You know when something plays out way better in your head then you got to do it in real life and it is a shit show?  This happens to me quite a bit when it comes to my kids.  I always give them more credit than I should.  It’s true.  Simply because in my mind everything plays out like a storybook and I think my 3 year old’s are going to like to do things that are really suitable for 7 or 8 year olds.  I forget it was just a mere year ago that they shit their pants.

Tonight was one of those nights.  I ordered model cars online for my pals to do with their dad.  Sure it said it was suitable for ages “6 and up with adult help” but they are VERY advanced 3 year olds.  Just yesterday, L.A. wiped his own butt.  True story.  They were figurines from the Cars movie so I figured it was even better.  We got Mater and Finn McMissle.

My husband opened the box and it was about 853 tiny pieces of molded plastic that required an exacto knife, a box of band aids to deal with all the tiny cuts and some extra sanity.  A cocktail could have come in handy too.  Basically what they did was build a matchbox car from the ground up…and it was ALL my idea.  I thought it was a great “project” for them to do with their dad.  After Arno (the big one) was getting frustrated, I offered to step in and help and my son, L.A., said to me – “Mommy, you cannot do this.  It is too hard for you.”  Ouch.  Double ouch.

 

I have a list of things that I have done like this that seem so much better in my mind that also regularly plays circus music.  Me and Homer Simpson.

Going to this place seems like a piece of cake.

 

What is the big deal, right?  Let the kids run around and play games while you have a salad from the salad bar, right?  NOT EVEN CLOSE.  You run around like a bat out of hell, trying to keep your eyes on both kids while lugging a giant baby who is giving you herniated discs but God forbid you set him down or you will hear his lungs in Toledo.  You get a migraine from your eyeballs darting back and forth across the room so fast trying to make sure noone pulls a gun on them.  Then after you spend 80 bucks on tokens your kids stand at that God awful “ticket muncher” (could they come up with a better name?) so your kids can feed the nubs of tickets in ONE BY ONE only to redeem all their hard work for a tootsie roll and a plastic spider ring.  All the while in their mind they are taking home one of the giant stuffed animals suspended from the ceiling.  Not even close.  You need a bout 45 trillion more tickets and your Mommy needs a lot more sanity…and wine.  Wine will help.

What about sledding?  SAME EXACT THING.

 

You get everyone all bundled up and spend a good 30 minutes doing so.  The first ride down the “hill” turns into near nightmares.  In your mind it was something from the 1950’s.  I truly pictured us on a toboggan, snuggling in a choo-choo train sitting situation,  sipping hot coco as we went down the hill.  It was more like screaming to get her on the futuristic spaceship sled, while I kicked the thing down solo with my foot while blood curdling screams echoed all the way back to 1950 I am sure.  And to make matters worse, after I changed her wet soggy clothes, I learned she does not like hot coco.  But what 3 year old likes piping hot liquids?  All my fault….played out way different in my head.  An amazing memory, just not the one I pictured.

Another good one that I learned my lesson on a long time ago – Thank GOD, is making cut-out cookies.  You know where you make the homemade dough roll it out, take the cut-outs and make all the different shapes?  Hell. No.  I have fallen for that one about 7 times and this year I wised up and it was brilliant.  I bought those logs of sugar cookies, cut off circles, baked them and let the kids frost and decorate those.  The clean up was a beast but they got the same enjoyment and I did not want to rip every hair out of my head and chin.  It was easy in the grand scheme of things.  Some would call me a cheater but I would just call me wise.

 

Their favorite shape is a circle too so hey, how can you argue with that.

One last one was this Christmas.  “Mom, I got an hour break, I am going to run the kids to the mall and get their holiday pictures taken “real” quick.  I am thinking we just go in there, get a cheezy Christmas backdrop with snowflakes and the three of them smile ear to ear and we are out of there in 5 minutes.    Right?  Totally do-able.

NOT. EVEN. CLOSE.

Who knew there was going to be a sled?  And 2 VERY naughty 3 year olds.

 

So many things that you think are going to be a piece of cake that are the opposite.

-The grocery store/Costco.  This ends up costing you WAY more because of all the extra crap you buy that they throw into the cart.  At some point a normal human gives in.  I admit that I do pretty quickly.  One point for my pals.

-Church.  We last about 2 minutes.  Maybe 3.  Then we need constant entertainment and end up driving everyone bonkers.  We have put a hold on this indefinitely, simply because it is not fair to the other church goers.  Why lug them to church with their ipads.  Defeats the purpose.  I would much rather tell them stories at home and teach them to act in the way that they should.  We say our prayers every night, so that is a step in the right direction.  Although, Miss Eden does pray for Minnie Mouse first every night.

The list goes on and on….and it will continue to because we constantly do stuff.  “Projects” as we like to call them.  Tomorrow we have a bowling project on the books.  It is Spring Break 2014 and it is going to be one for the books.  I picture L.A. bowling a perfect game and getting carried out on his dad’s shoulders.  Eden should win a crown for prettiest girl there and Abbott will take his first steps right down the bowling alley and win us a free pizza for being the first giant baby to do so.

I will keep you posted.  I have a good feeling about this one.