So, what does it really take to be a celebrity?  These days, not much.  Just bone some guy on video and apparently you can become a bazillionaire.  So can all your brothers and sisters….and your Mom, don’t forget about your greedy Mom.  She wants in.  Bad.  She will even keep her Mom hairdo for good measure.

But seriously, I want to get in on this celebrity, famous person thing for one reason and one reason only – so I can check into the hospital with the diagnosis of “exhaustion”.  How many times have you heard about a celebrity being in the hospital only to be diagnosed NOT with the flu or a heart attack or simply losing their marbles due to Grey Goose and Valium overload but with – EXHAUSTION.  Is this a real thing?  If so, someone may want to call the local hospital and let them know to open up a bed for me.  Hell, I will even take the broom closet at this point.

I am going to march right into the ER with my dog hair infested yoga pants and my thumbs through the slits of my hoodie and check right in.  “Jenn Gerbrecht, here for exhaustion.  I am going to need a big bed, a giant TV, a bed pan and one of those buttons I press for food and pain meds…..you also might want to send someone over to check on my pals because I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon.”

This winter has OFFICIALLY (yes, I am yelling) kicked my ass…..my ass is flat to start with so this is not good news on many fronts.  I did not use to mind winter, now I hate it.  My mom told me never to say that word but it seems so fitting.  I hate winter.  I hate that it is too damn cold to even go outside and build a snowman.  I hate that I had a 400 dollar gas bill and am still freezing every second.  I hate that my kids watch more TV than I thought humanly possible.  I hate that I get wind burn when I take the dog for a 2 block walk.  I hate that my giant pimp mobile is too big to fit in our 100 year old garage so I have to park it outside and it gets loaded with a foot of snow a day. I hate that a can of red pop FROZE in my pantry the other day and exploded all over everything.  Yes, the pop was IN my house, in my pantry and it still froze.  W.T.F?!?  DO not forget it was red – damn you Cranberry Sierra Mist.  I hate trying to cram 3 kids into giant car seats while they are wearing so much gear.  Between the snow pants, the down jackets, the gloves, the boots, the scarves and hats – they are about three times their normal size and those damn car seats were not made for this.  I have blisters on my thumbs from trying to get them in those damn things, let alone buckle them.  I keep Crisco and a shoe horn next to Butters car seat because he is the worst.  He hates getting in the damn thing so even getting him to sit in it is like wrestling with a baby alligator on crack who happens to always smell like Sloppy Joe’s for some reason.

Everything takes at least three times as long as it should and leaving the house has become an Olympic sport.  If we have to be someplace at 5 that is 10 minutes away, we start getting coats etc about 3:45 because between the fighting, the walking to the car, the getting in the car seats, the brushing off of the snow etc, it really takes that long.  I am OVER it.

I need a vacation someplace warm…bad.  In the worst possible way.   Either a warm vacation or I need to check into a hotel and just not leave for 3 days.  As long as they have room service, I can make it work.  Just please don’t let me find a stray pube when I check in.  My sister used to clean hotel rooms when she was in High School, well actually she did NOT clean hotel rooms is more like it.  She got paid to but did not follow through.  Should I change these sheets or just give them the “once over”?  She went with the once over….or none over.

So, between this winter weather, the constant feeling like crap and the cabin fever – I am done.  I need to check into the hospital for exhaustion.  Apparently you really do have to be a celebrity to do this so I guess I have to start there.  What to do, what to do…….Do you think Arno will notice a giant tripod at the end of our bed?  Wait, that means I have to take off the 37 layers I constantly have on, all covered in dog hair…and shave.  My pubes may be down to my knee caps at this point, who knows.  It keeps me warmer and that is what counts right?  Well it looks like I am going to have to come up with a plan B.  Quick.