All right, this guy may be moving in – in 20 days if my pals play their cards right.

Dad said if the kids were good and behaved for 20 days in a row, we could get a hamster.  That means my pals have to sleep in their own beds for the ENTIRE night, share their toys, eat all their dinner, not hit each other with toys OR hands, not talk “toilet talk”, keep their pants pulled up during dinner and not knock their baby brother down.  Oh yeah, they also have to wipe their own asses.

We already named him Curtis.  See you in 20 days Curtis.  This is exactly 480 hours.  28,800 minutes.  Wait, who am I kidding?  The chance of Curtis showing up here in the next 20 YEARS is slim to none.

Tonight, I was having a talk with my pals while they were in the tub about how I was disappointed on the lack of listening and fighting and just overall “not being good” today.  LA looked at me with his giant black olive eyes and I kid you not, said to me, “but Mommy, I am good when I am sleeping.”  No shit.  Although the other night he whizzed his bed so I could disagree.  It did make me laugh though.  I could not argue with that one.

I guess part of me would love to have perfectly behaved kids who eat all their pea’s and hug each other every 20 minutes but the the other part of me loves them just the way they are.  A little naughty and a lot funny.

There is a very slim chance we could get Curtis here in 20 days and I will do my best.  I think I want the damn teddy bear hamster more than the kids.  My husband is right though and I will admit it – he will end up taking care of the damn thing.  I can picture it now…..”what wood chip pee scent?  I don’t smell a thing.  What rusty wheel?  I don’t hear a thing.”

You know what I am most excited for?  This thing………

Which reminds me of the time my sister Sas took our hamster out back when we were little.  She wanted to get some sun by the pool with the hamster and then decided to go take a lunch break herself.  (She probably wanted mini corn dogs, one of those wheel barrel fake kool aid things and chips). The poor hamster rolled right into the pool while she was noshing. This is the same girl who whipped my cousin Kristen’s gerbil around by the tail like a lasso and the furry tip fell off.  Well, not fell off but ended up in her hand.  The hand that did the lasso move.  If I remember correctly, it looked like a hairy candy corn.

Should I be concerned that my daughter looked at me the other day out of nowhere and said to me, “Sas is my best friend.”  Sas is my best friend too so maybe I should be concerned about both of us.

I want to see Curtis peeling around my house in that platic ball.  I am not sure who will love the little gentleman in the ball more – me, my giant baby who looks like Chucky today or our insane Jack Russell, Enzo.

So, who is with me?  I am TEAM CURTIS.  My husband said I have to be all official and get a poster board chart and keep track of the days via stickers.  This sticker part is right up my alley but the 20 days, not so much.

So today, February 5th is day one.  Wish us luck……and why do I have a feeling every little tiny teddy bear hamster at every PETCO within a 5 mile radius is hoping to dear God this lady does not walk back in with her gaggle of pals.

You know you love it.  And yes, I do look like Homer Simpson.

So after a long morning of telling me he did not feel good and could not possibly go to school, I figured his cough was pretty bad and he did feel a little warm.   I relented and told him that maybe it was a good idea that he stays home.  So I bundled up his poor sister who was a little confused as to why she was going alone (someone had to bring the pink play-doh Mommy made last night).  She resembled a stuffed pastel sausage.

Then before she was out of the driveway, the cough mysteriously ceased and it was party time.  I cannot believe I fell for this.  What a little shit.  I can’t imagine where he learned this behavior. (cough, cough)  So now I am trying to make him stay in his bedroom in bed because that is what you do when you are sick, right?  Not a chance.  This kid is running around this house like it is his birthday and he knows the Publishers Clearing House van is ready to roll up with that old guy and a bunch of balloons.  He literally just asked me if I wanted to dance.

If I did not have a sick baby who should not be out in the cold I really would get him dressed and march him into school.  So I guess I am going to just have a free day with my boys.  I have a client this evening but today will be a day where LA can help me brush up on my acting skills.  The kid is good.  I am going to have to give him a few pointers though.  He told me he had diarreah but I am not sure I am buying that after the tap dance routine he just whipped out in the middle of the living room.  Next time I am going to need proof.  The stinky kind.

Well we had a very busy weekend filled with parties, shoveling snow, breaking up tiny kid fights, changing diapers, dealing with a hangover from too much red wine but most importantly – Eden learned to do this:

She learned how to cross her eyes but you would think she figured out how to split the atom.  She is very proud of this new skill set and will gladly show it off at a moment’s notice.  Just please don’t ask her to cross them and then dance or walk for that matter.  My walls have enough scuff marks.

I am not sure how she figured out that she can do this but I have to admit.  I love it.  It cracks me up every single time.  She concentrates very hard and it takes her some time but once they start floating inward, the look of success on her face is priceless.  “I did it!  I crossed my peepers Mommy!”

What is wrong with me that I think this is awesome?  I was just telling my sister that one of these days I am going to have to grow up….but it is not going to be anytime soon.  Somebody has to keep my husband and my mom on their toes.  I am in charge of my pals and they can be in charge of me.  I know there will be a day when someone cuts the cheese and I do not laugh but  don’t hold your breathe.  It won’t be today…or tomorrow.

I just got wind of it.  They have my picture up at the River Forest PETCO.  Do not sell any fish to this woman:

Actually, after closer review, do not sell anything that breathes to this weirdo.

I think I kind of look Homer Simpson in this picture and I am not going to lie – I like it.

Well, we tried.  We came home a couple days ago, exactly 37 hours ago with “Mommy” and “Buzz Superman”.  The nice stoned worker at PETCO assured me that I could do this and gave me instructions.  I instructed him that he had yogurt in his beard but that is not the point.  It was vanilla.

So here they were checking out their new home.  Pretty fancy and way better than that super crowded tank at PETCO.  I figured they hit the jackpot.

Upon closer inspection, “Mommy” (the orange one that was Eden’s) did not appear to be enjoying her new digs as much as Buzz Superman.  Eden informed us that “Mommy” was laying on her side.  Shit.  Not again.  She was still alive so we ran to Google and tried everything.  One lady told us to cut up tiny frozen peas for the fish (this did not work), one person said to shock it with new water (this did not work) and one person said to throw in the towel as it was 10:00 pm and hope for the best in the am (this did not work).

We woke up to “Mommy” floating at the top of her house while Buzz Superman just whizzed around his new house without a care in the world.  Eden was distraught.  LA was ecstatic.  “Yeah, now Buzz Superman doesn’t have to share his house!”  My sweet daughter cried and cried.  I explained to her that her fish was in heaven with her other 2 fish, “Mike Mommy” and “Molly Herman”.  The were up there eating salami sandwiches with Grammy and Uncle Bud.  This made her feel a little better.  She felt ok until I put “Mommy” in the toilet to  send on her way.

Then she decided she just couldn’t do it.  Then I couldn’t do it.  We shut the door for a while while LA begged for an hour straight to flush it down the toilet.  Even Abbott banged on that bathroom door like he wanted in on it.

After a couple hours, we went back in (mostly because I had to go pee and was too lazy to walk upstairs). We said goodbye to “Mommy”, shed a few tears, Abbott reached in and grabbed “Mommy” and then LA did what he had been waiting for.  He pushed that button and sent her on her way.  I am sure she is up in heaven with the other fish and my Grammy is making her homemade gnocchi and my Uncle Bud is building her a fancy new fish recliner to relax in.

So we are taking a break from fish for a while.  We still have Buzz Superman to keep alive and a dog, Enzo.  That just might be enough for us now.  Although I really do want a teddy bear hamster.  Aunt Sas has agreed to provide the rodent if we can get dad to agree.  Don’t hold your breath.

Today is the day….my butterball is one.  My giant baby is uno.

Where did the time go?  Can it be reversed?  This little guy is a real dream come true.  After years of infertility battles I thought I was done with my pals and I could not have been more thrilled.  2 kids, one of each….perfect.  Then it happened, you always hear about it happening but never think it could happen to you.  I was pregnant with what turned out to be the world’s best baby.

Abbott Grayson Walter.  You are my smiley guy who I dream about. I have been tempted so many times to go get you up when you are sleeping because I miss you.  You are my tiny owl and you have an energy that lights up a room from the inside out.  Your smile is contagious and your love of cabinet doors is pretty impressive.  Open and close, open and close…..all day long my friend.  Today is your day.  I will unlock all the baby safety thingies and let you just go to town.  You can even empty the Tupperware drawer and I won’t stop you.  Want to go hang out in the bathroom by the toilet?  I won’t stop you today.  Tomorrow may be another story but you can take your toys in there and just stand by that toilet all you want.

Just please don’t ever stop wearing that ear to ear grin when you see me first thing in the morning.  Don’t ever stop putting your head down and doing that aero-dynamic crawl over to mommy to get there faster so I can pick you up.  Don’t ever stop watching your brother and sister play with such excitement.  You will be there soon enough.  Too soon for this mommy of yours.

When I was pregnant with Abbott, I spilled the beans to my mom that I was nervous that I could not love another baby as much as I loved my pals.  It was an honest fear.  I truly thought there was simply no way.  My mom told me that it was just like magic, it happens.  She did it 7 times and was nervous every time but every time she loved us just as much as the one before.  Holy shit.  She was right…..just like magic, your heart grows.  Mine may explode after this one.

Every day when I talk to my mom she says, “how’s my guy?”  My answer is always the same – “the best”. He truly is the best.  As my brother says, the part of his brain that says “I am not happy” or “I do not like this” must be so tiny because he is happy all of the time, rarely cries and likes to just peek around, talk and smile with the world’s most contagious smile.  He is my guy and he is one.  Here is to many more….and if you grow up and live in my basement, I would love it.  I will build you a kitchenette but you cannot have your own entrance.  This way I can force you to come up and visit with your dear old mother who will likely still be embarrassing you.

My Eden Barbara Anne.

I tell her that we are the only girls so we have got to stick together.  The boys outnumber the girls in this  house.  Even the dog has a wenis…..a gross red one that likes to pop out every few months and make me vomit in my mouth.  I shudder just thinking about it.  Blech…..

She has is my sweetest of sweethearts and one of those kids with a kind old soul.  She is shockingly thoughtful for a three old and this makes me so proud.  She gives her last cookie to her brother when the thought would never cross his mind and she knows it.  She nearly smothers her little brother on a daily basis with hugs because she just “loves him the most.”

Her favorite thing to pass out are “surprise hugs”.  When you least expect it, you will see a tiny lightbulb go off over her head and she will just come racing over and hug you with all of her might.  These are my favorite kind of hugs, a close second is the “holding hug” which involves standing up and holding them along with a super squeeze.

She is my wearer of bows and all things girly.  She loves her accessories and most importantly lip gloss, ahem, chap stick.  One of her favorite people around, my niece Manny Moo, gave her a tiny tub of pink lip gloss that she carried around and slept with until she deemed it the perfect time to use it.   Movie time.  We were getting ready to go to the theatre and as I am yelling at everyone to put their shoes on, go to the bathroom, get ready or we are not going and there will be no popcorn!  I turned around and here she was, all ready to go…..with just the right amount of lip gloss.

She is named for my mother (Barbara Anne) who is one of the most amazing people that ever walked this earth and one of my very best friends.  I talk to my parents every day, usually multiple times a day.  My mother is a saint with 7 kids and 17 grandkids.  She selflessly ALWAYS puts us first and has for her entire life.  She is amazing and I love, love, love her.  If my Eden Barbara Anne turns out anything like the original Barbara Anne, she will be set for life.  I realize how lucky I am to have both of them in my life.  What could be better than one Barbara Anne?!?!  How about two?

Miss Eden has one obsession and it is slowly taking over.  Minnie freaking Mouse.  When she grows up she wants to be Minnie Mouse.  She has been Minnie Mouse for the past 2 Halloweens.  After we say our prayers at night and she blesses people, Minnie many times is the first one.  She would prefer to only wear clothes and pj’s with Minnie on but since laundry is not my strong suit, sometimes she has to wear clothes that do not involve Minnie.  These days always start out a bit rocky but she comes around.  We have yet to take her to Disneyworld mostly because I feel that she may stroke out if she ever got the opportunity to come face to face with the real live thing.  Someday we will get them there, after we rob a bank and get a prescription for extra strength valium.

She also has an obsession with cheese (who doesn’t).  She prefers Munster cheese which she refers to as “flat cheese”.  She will only eat the kind from the deli and don’t you dare try and give her a piece of cheddar and tell her that since it is flat it is the same thing.  My dad learned this lesson the hard way.  He could not for the life of him figure out why the half an inch chunk of cheddar he cut from the block was not cutting it.  He said it was flat after all…..not even in the ballpark Papa. So close but no cigar.

This is actually a photo I snapped of her after I broke it to her that we were indeed out of flat cheese.

So this is my partner in crime….my wearer of tacky bows and lover of dairy products.  She is a mini-me and I love it.  As I say, “Eden Barbara Anne, mommy could not love you more if I tried.”  Boy is that the truth.  You are my dream come true Eden.  I.  LOVE.  YOU.

I have a hairy son.  His name is Arno but we call him L.A. for “Little Arno” as it happens to be my husbands name as well, along with his father and grandfather.  He has had several nicknames already in his short 3 years here on this earth but more than anything he lives up to the one my husband calls him – “momma’s boy.”  My kids are my absolute life and I am not sure how I functioned without them and the hairy one makes sure I am aware of this.  On a daily basis, just out of nowhere he tells me “Mommy, I love you.”  It melts my heart EVERY. Single. Time.  Yesterday while we were watching the Wizard of Oz he squeezed me real tight, looked right into my eyes and said, “Mommy, will you always keep me safe?”  I may have teared up with that one.  He also tells me that he can’t go to school because he will miss me too much.  I have been tempted way too many times to keep him home and snuggle all day when he whips this one out but then I wise up real fast after he bonks his sister over the head with a matchbox car for no reason.

Not only is he about the kindest and sweetest hairy little thing you ever met, he is also a little shit.  The really naughty kind that is at times, mind boggling.  He has redecorated nearly every inch of our house with a Sharpie and clogged every toilet at least 32 times with everything from poop to a roll of toilet paper to Lightening McQueen.  The other morning he crawled into our bed about 5 am, opened up the bottle of water that I had next to my side of the bed….stood up and made sure his aim was just right dumped it right on my head. He was aiming for my “earhole” he said.  I knew something was about to happen but I certainly did not imagine my earhole being doused with a pint of water.  The best part as that as I was jumping up in a foggy sleepy haze he was already telling me that “Eden (his sister) did it”.  Keep in mind she wasn’t even in the room.

He regularly tells me, “Mommy, I am so cool.”  He is pretty cool, I have to give him that.  I also regularly tell my kids all the reasons why I love them so sometimes out of nowhere they will walk up to me and say, “Mommy tell me all the reasons.”  Eden sits there and listens patiently with the sweetest smile on her face as I tell her she is nice and kind and pretty and shares and listens and loves while he gets mad if I don’t tell him that he is awesome over and over.  “But mommy the reason you love me is because I am awesome…..and cool”.  That is one of the reasons but there are so many more.  I love him because he taught me what it feels like to have my heart run around outside my body.  A third of it anyway.  He also taught me not to take life too seriously and to dance.  Always dance.

The other day I walked into the dining room to this and I loved it.

There is a mirror propped up at one end of the dining room and he was watching his sweet moves.  I love you L.A. and I love your sweet moves.  I love that I waited years and years to have you and your sister and through the miracle of science you are mine.  When I was struggling with infertility it pained me every month for years that it did not work.  My wise sister Sarah, who also happens to be my best friend would tell me that this was all happening for a reason.  This was very hard to understand at the time.  She said the perfect kid/s were just waiting for me and timing wasn’t right just yet.  I had to just be patient.  I was patient and it was heartbreaking but it was so worth it because I got this hairy guy and my sweet Eden from it all.  As I tell my kids, “I couldn’t love you more if I tried.”  It is the truth.  And how can you resist someone this awesome?

Ok.  This polar vortex has done me in.  I need fresh air and I am crafted out.  I have tried so hard not to give into watching 87 hours of cartoons a day and I have tried to be the mom that Pinterest was made for.  I was doing a pretty damn good job until about 4:00 pm today….then the wheels fell off.  They rusted and snapped right off.  The fighting over the tiny empty jumping bean box pushed me over the edge.  I guess the real question should have been, “where the hell are the jumping beans?”

So this is what I made my pals for dinner.

To add insult to injury, I didn’t even give them their own.  I made them share.

Then my pals took at bath at exactly 6:32 and went to bed at 6:56.  The earliest my pals have EVER hit the hay.  Now Arno and I are having a glass of wine and a Tombstone pizza for dinner…..I give up, at least for the day.  I have officially checked out until 6:50 tomorrow am.  And for the record – it is a rising crust 4 meat pizza.

It is literally four degrees BELOW zero right now.  Below.  Zero.  Four.  Degrees.

I cannot figure out why we live here sometimes.  Chicago happens to be the coolest place in the summer and about the worst in the winter, well this particular winter.  I actually do not despise winter but I despise the cold when it runs your life.  It is too cold to be outside for fear of immediate frost bite so they cancelled school.  Again.  You know what that means?  More kids crafts because I cannot take anymore TV.  Dora can kindly see her way right out the d-d-d-door.

January and into February tend to be very slow in the Real Estate market so I try and enjoy all this time I have with my pals but we are slowly running out of things to do.  (On a side note, if anyone is looking for an awesome Real Estate broker, I am ready and I may even bring you your very own bag of homemade play-doh.)  I am currently play-doh’d and crayoned and 3:00 bathed out.  So today we did something new…..and fairly messy as a fair warning.  I guess the messiness factor all  depends on your kids.  I have one “neat as a pin” pal and one pal that resembles a human tornado of hair.

We made our puffy paint then “baked” our masterpieces in the microwave oven.  Pretty cool rainy day or below zero day project.

Start with 4 ziploc bags and put 1/4 cup flour in each bag along with 1 teaspoon baking powder.

Then add enough water until it gets to the consistency of pancake batter….maybe 1/4 cup?  I just eyeballed it.  Then throw a couple squirt of food coloring in there and give it to your pals to mix up.

Then snip a tiny corner off of each bag and let them go to town on some white paper.  I used a thicker paper than your standard printer paper and it worked very well.

Then put the paper in the microwave individually for about a minute and the stuff puffs up and turns fairly hard so the mess is gone once you get to this step. This was also a fun step to watch.  We scooted a couple chairs up to the microwave and watched it grow into our final masterpieces.

I bet you cannot guess whose is whose……the hairy tornado made the one that resembles a hairy tornado and my neat and precise little angel took about 15 minutes to make the other.

So there you have it….polar vortex puffy painting.  Now what next?  Do I dare break out the finger paints?  My problem is that the paints never stay contained to the “finger”.  They tend to be full body paints at Camp Gerbrecht.  Oh well, here goes nothing.  Finger, er body paints it is.

Do you remember when we were little and we had  “snow days” where they cancelled school because there was too much snow and they were worried about buses, transportation etc?  Well, now we have some polar vortex taking over the midwest so we have “cold days”. It is too cold to literally get the kids from the car to the school and then back out.  That my friends, is cold.  My current temp on my phone is -6. The high today was -4.  This does not even seem possible but it was so we had some cabin fever today and we were stuck inside all day.  This is very frustrating for me as I tend to go stir crazy being in one place and need to be doing stuff.  I will take my pals anywhere to do stuff.  Generally, if you invite us to come to something, we are there….half dressed, usually a bit late with a shitty diaper but we are there.  So you have been warned.  We even cross state lines.

So today we got stuck inside ALL day and I am over cartoons.  Really, if I have to do one more Dora or Mickey Mouse Club or Team Umizoomi I may jump off of the top of my house and aim for a bike without a seat.  I am over it.

We started out our day with Cap’n Crunch which set the tone for the whole day.  For the record I bought the cereal for my husband Arno and we thought we ran out until my parents rolled in last week with leftover “Christmas Crunch”!  Perfect timing.  Now instead of Honey Nut Cheerios with sliced bananas in the morning my pals wanted Christmas Crunch.  Fine.  This whole day is going to be a shit show so let’s just get the day started out with a massive sugar high to kick things off right.  Would you like a tiny espresso to go along with that Christmas Crunch?  How about a scone?

We held back until abut 10 am where we whipped out the homemade play-doh.  For the record, I have a sprained wrist and hunchback from sitting over the pot making this stuff.  Next time I am ponying up the 6 dollars and buying it pre-made.  I have a serious thrifty bone in my body so if I can do something cheaper and many times better, you better believe I am doing it.  We played  Frozen on the computer because we are now addicted to the tunes so the play-doh that is stomped into the carpet may be worth it.  We shall see.

Then we took a break from play-doh and LA decided that it was time to teach Abbott to walk.  He is almost officially ONE after all and LA said it is time.  LA did his best but we ended up with a couple bumps and bruises and he is not ready for any sprints to the kitchen for his morning bottle.

We half ass cleaned up our play-doh and recovered from Abbott’s walking demise and focused on lunch.  LA was tired from lugging his giant baby around the house teaching him how to walk and needed some nourishment.  He requested cheese dogs in sleeping bags.  Done.  Take a hot dog, roll it in a croissant  and call it a day.  Serve it with apple sauce and yogurt and then you don’t feel so bad.  My pals eat more Activia yogurt than anyone I know.

So sleeping bag hot dogs segued into watching The Wizard of Oz which for the record is Creepy, Creepy, Creepy but my pals love it.    It was a very thoughtful gift for Abs from one of my all time favorite’s – Aunt DD.  I tried my best to snooze during it but they were really not having it.  “Mommy, you can’t rest your eyes, you are not in church.”  “Papa does it, why can’t I?”  I tried.  Lord did I try.

Then to kill some more time  we decided to go dye my gray hair and we made it a whole family affair so we were all stuck up in my bathroom.  We even plucked and shaved and I made my kids look up my nose and see the tiny hairs to which they replied – “oooooooooohhhhh mommy!”  So we plucked them out and then I was the one screaming “oooooooohhhhhh mommy”.  I dare you to take a tweezers up your snoot, clamp it down and just pull down with gusto.  Holy. Balls.  You didn’t think you had hair up there and you had NO idea it would feel like you were removing a limb with a rusty axe.  Who ever knew a nose hair could cause so much pain.  Just do it.  I dare you.  Keep me posted.

Then after we used a family day to help Mommy we decided to make the Christmas Smores brownies that we bought in the clearance section at Target for 29 cents.  You cannot beat that with a stick.  We put heart sprinkles on them from the dollar section at Target so we crossed holidays….for a bargain.

Total bargain but about a million health violations.  LA likes to be undie wearing at all times and always has them on backwards.   Boys briefs always have a giant pic right on the rear and LA decided that why should he wear the back on his buns where he cannot see it?  He needs it front and center.  At all times.  His teacher has brought this up with me and I told here there is no way I can get him to change them now.  I honestly think it is pretty brilliant.

Then we watched the magic of the brownie TV through the oven……..and then I begged them to stop fighting.  We had a tiny dance party until I ran out of steam and had to change a corny shitty diaper.

We fought until dinner while I intermittently threatened to throw them outside if they did not stop fighting.  It worked.  So then we moved onto our old standby – make your own english muffin pizzas.  We do this at least once a week and I promise you that they taste way better than you think they are going too……

Then after all of this stuff, we had to have a bit of a serious moment.  Our poor fish who we tried everything to keep alive, kicked the bucket.  Poor “Mike Mommy”.  We got you a fancy new house with a heater and filter and even plants and fancy rocks.  We feel terrible so it might be a break for us until we have another fish around here.

We ened the day with a bath….a serious bubble bath.

Then Poor Abbott said, “give me a drink, just let me be and wake me when it is tomorrow”

Tomorrow we have some lame crafts on deck and some fun sciency projects.  We are still strapped in here and with the high of -6, the only time I will be getting out is to get my annoying dog out for what better be the biggest and quickest dump and whiz.  Wish us luck.  We shall need it…..and if you are up for it, get your ass over here and join the chaos.