I will start by saying that I think for some reason people have started using the word “Literally” WAY too often, me included but this time it fits.

Holy Sh#t.  Literally.  I had a colonoscopy today.

I am not sure I would wish the prep for the exam on my worst enemy.  Well, maybe my WORST enemy but they would have to be really bad.  Like, the worst.  I might wish it on the guy at Dos Hombres in Lawrence Kansas in about 1995 who thought I was pregnant simply because I was “college fat” for a while there but that is about it.  Yeah, on second thought, I would wish it on that skinny dweeb but I draw the line there.  I wouldn’t even wish it on Jay Cutler or any of the Kardashians.  Wait, I take it back, I wish it on the mom (Kris Jenner) and Kim.  Ok, so just those three but that is it.  Promise.

The actual procedure was a piece of cake.  I was out like a light due to anesthesia so there was not a chance of being humiliated or embarrassed.  Thank God.  Nobody needs to be awake while 6 people with masks hover over you and one of them sticks a camera up your butt.  That is just not necessary.

The good news is I learned that my colon just has some “very sharp curves”.  What exactly this means, I have no idea.  What is it?  A racecourse?

The bad news is that I went through 94 rolls of toilet paper and may have scarred my pals for life while I was getting ready for the damn thing.  You have to clean your system out before the camera up the butt operation can commence.    You have to drink a large potion of what appeared to be neon yellow poison. It tasted like it was drained through a hooker’s tube sock for starters.

“Mommy, what are you doing in there?”  “Are you peeing or pooping?  I can’t tell.”  Well, join the club.   Mommy can’t tell either.  I have no idea what was going on down there.  I just know I never want to have it happen again.  My stomach sounded like it had a bunch of feral cats fighting over the last can of tuna.  It was outrageous to say the least.

I had to stop eating Tuesday evening and the procedure was at 11 am today, Thursday.  That is a long time not to eat.  Every morsel of food I saw on Wednesday looked divine.  Every niblet of food smelled like a  5 star chef cooked it.  My husband came home with fried chicken.  Listen, I don’t even like fried chicken and we never ever have it but for some reason last night I wanted fried chicken so bad I would have traded my right arm for it.  It smelled like a dream come true.  My husband was sitting here licking his greasy little fingers one by one.  Meanwhile, I was stuck drinking some hideous fluorescent drink that was sending me to the pot every 3 seconds.  I was squeezing my butt cheeks so hard I had leg cramps and my teeth were chattering.  My kids had macaroni and cheese for dinner and it looked like macaroni and heaven to me.

I am pretty sure that I am not ready to go through the experience again any time soon.  I am slightly embarrassed for myself and I am not sure my toilet will ever look at me the same.  I can’t say I blame it.  A colonoscopy is no joke, well the prep anyway.  I would rather climb to the tippy top of the highest building in the land and jump off and land on a bike without a seat than do that again.  Actually, it is probably about even steven – the bike and the colonoscopy.  You have been warned.  Officially.