Just ask to use their shitter and see what their toilet paper looks like.

If they have toddler’s or little tots, it will look like this:

If they have teenagers (or a lazy Mommy who has 3 kids 3 and under) it will look like this:

(The best part is that the roll that is resting on top is almost gone).  Oops.

My mother has this amazing sign in her bathroom:

I think I may need to order one, hang it up and heed my own advice.  (I am not sure I used that word “heed” correctly but it sounds good….and smart).

Someone wants a taco….bad.  Poor Butters snuck up on my pals while they were having their favorite, tacos and guacamole.

Look at that poor little guy.  “Por favor taco mamacita”.   Maybe I should just put a full throttle hard shell taco on his high chair tray and see what he does.  Knowing him, he would ask for hot sauce then tip his head to the side and start noshing.

My kids LOVE tacos.  If I ever give them the opportunity to choose dinner, it is always tacos.  They have to be the hard shell and L.A.’s have to have tomatoes and white sauce (sour cream).  He really likes them loaded up while Eden on the other hand is more of a minimalist with her tacos – just meat, lettuce and cheese.  The call guacamole “Oscar” dip…because it is green like Oscar the grouch.

This works out well for me because I happen to LOVE mexican food.  Their other favorite thing is chinese soup (egg drop soup) and crab rangoon.  I can get down with this too.  I have never met a crab rangoon I did not like.

My kids like Taco Bell and I am not ashamed.  I have 3 kids three and under so sometimes we go to Taco Bell to kill time.  I am talking sit down in the corner booth and have lunch.  As you know this winter has killed me and work has been slow so we have had a lot of quality time, which I love but sometimes we run out of stuff to do.  What the hell, let’s go to Taco Bell.  They each get a hard taco and beans.  They usually fight and I am sure the employees do a mexican hat dance when we leave.  I get to eat Taco Bell too so it is a win win all around.  They have high chairs for Linus…..who knew?  It has to be better than a chicken nugget happy meal, right?  I am not above those either….and PS, they are 2.99 right now.  I make healthy-ish homemade dinners every night so having fast food here and there is totally fine in my book.  So are chips.  We love chips.  Chips……and Rudy, the manager at the local Taco Bell.  He has been with Taco Bell for 27 years.  Trust me, I know.

My pals are pretty much good eaters although L.A. goes on eating binges and then eats like a bird for a couple days. My wise friend Eileen refers to these as “snake days”.  He eats like a snake every few days.  One day he will drink a gallon of milk, eat 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, 3 bananas, 4 slices of pizza and then for the next 2 days he will eat 3 cheerios and a noodle then he comes back with a vengance on snake days and can out eat his dad.  Snake days are awesome.  I really should start jotting down all he can consume on these days.  Poor Miss Eden out eats her mom EVERY day.

My giant baby eats real food now so we are officially buying groceries for a family of 5.  Every week my cart is literally overflowing and I cringe when I get the total.  I cannot fathom how my saint of a mother did this while feeding 7 kids.  Hell, I cannot fathom how she had 7 kids.  She is still sane……and my best friend.

You know when someone nails something right on the head?  Like that time someone mentioned that Red Bull and vodka tastes EXACTLY like Smarties candy.  Or that time someone told you that Bruce Jenner is slowly becoming a Golden Girl?

Well, the other day a friend said to me, “Don’t take this the wrong way but your kid looks exactly like Linus from the Peanuts gang.”  I was taken aback for a second and then I googled Linus to refresh my memory. Holy Balls….Best.  Call.  Ever.

Here is your proof.  Here is Linus:

And here is my guy – Abbott:

They have the same whispy hair and black eyeballs.  His hair really is amazing because it is almost like it is not real hair.  It is like a fuzzy pile of puffy and silky threads that have a mind of their own.  It is orange when the light hits it too which is the best part.

Oh Linus, how I love you so.

That tiny nose that is like a teensy weensy button resting in the middle of a giant very circular platter.

I told Abbott that he looked like Linus and he asked me if Linus was famous….I told him that he sort of was famous, Yes.  Then he crawled over and got his glasses and put them on so no one would recognize him.  He loathes the paparazzi and signing autographs.

Get used to it Linus.

Ok, I really did honestly think that I may have had a home run on my hands with split pea soup.  I was off base, WAY off base in reality.  I figured that my pals would think it was cool because it was green and Sir Butters would like it because in reality, it kind of is like baby food.  I thought I liked split pea soup and my husband likes everything – except Phyllo dough.

So I made it in my handy dandy crock pot.  It took about 2 minutes to throw it together so this was even more up my alley.  After 6 hours we ended up here:

Then after my son had his first look at it, he ended up here:

I felt bad because I was literally laughing so hard that my stomach hurt.  L.A. was so confused.  He could not figure out why in the world Mommy was attempting to make him eat such a hideous thing.  He would not even try it.  I told him that if he took one bite he could have a treat.  He was still not even considering it for a second.  He was fine without a treat as long as he did not have to eat whatever the hell it was that I put in his bowl.  “Mommy, WHY is my soup green?  Why am I supposed to EAT that?”

Eden tried it.  She didn’t like it but she at least tried it.

My giant baby looked at me like I was trying to feed him poop and the best part is that I tried it too and poop was not too far off.  It was terrible.  It tasted like a salty armpit dipped in garbage.  It. Was. Awful.

So, naturally, my husband liked it but he is a trooper and he likes everything.  God bless him because it was terrible.  Actually terrible is an understatement.

I love to post recipes when I have something that I think everyone needs to try so here is my recipe.

Split Pea Soup

-4 cups of “Don’t even bother”

-2 teaspoons of “What are you nuts?”

-3 cups of “Throw this right in the trash”

-1 teaspoon of “Ramen noodles are way better”

AND….. a dash of “just eat garbage instead”

So, what does it really take to be a celebrity?  These days, not much.  Just bone some guy on video and apparently you can become a bazillionaire.  So can all your brothers and sisters….and your Mom, don’t forget about your greedy Mom.  She wants in.  Bad.  She will even keep her Mom hairdo for good measure.

But seriously, I want to get in on this celebrity, famous person thing for one reason and one reason only – so I can check into the hospital with the diagnosis of “exhaustion”.  How many times have you heard about a celebrity being in the hospital only to be diagnosed NOT with the flu or a heart attack or simply losing their marbles due to Grey Goose and Valium overload but with – EXHAUSTION.  Is this a real thing?  If so, someone may want to call the local hospital and let them know to open up a bed for me.  Hell, I will even take the broom closet at this point.

I am going to march right into the ER with my dog hair infested yoga pants and my thumbs through the slits of my hoodie and check right in.  “Jenn Gerbrecht, here for exhaustion.  I am going to need a big bed, a giant TV, a bed pan and one of those buttons I press for food and pain meds…..you also might want to send someone over to check on my pals because I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon.”

This winter has OFFICIALLY (yes, I am yelling) kicked my ass…..my ass is flat to start with so this is not good news on many fronts.  I did not use to mind winter, now I hate it.  My mom told me never to say that word but it seems so fitting.  I hate winter.  I hate that it is too damn cold to even go outside and build a snowman.  I hate that I had a 400 dollar gas bill and am still freezing every second.  I hate that my kids watch more TV than I thought humanly possible.  I hate that I get wind burn when I take the dog for a 2 block walk.  I hate that my giant pimp mobile is too big to fit in our 100 year old garage so I have to park it outside and it gets loaded with a foot of snow a day. I hate that a can of red pop FROZE in my pantry the other day and exploded all over everything.  Yes, the pop was IN my house, in my pantry and it still froze.  W.T.F?!?  DO not forget it was red – damn you Cranberry Sierra Mist.  I hate trying to cram 3 kids into giant car seats while they are wearing so much gear.  Between the snow pants, the down jackets, the gloves, the boots, the scarves and hats – they are about three times their normal size and those damn car seats were not made for this.  I have blisters on my thumbs from trying to get them in those damn things, let alone buckle them.  I keep Crisco and a shoe horn next to Butters car seat because he is the worst.  He hates getting in the damn thing so even getting him to sit in it is like wrestling with a baby alligator on crack who happens to always smell like Sloppy Joe’s for some reason.

Everything takes at least three times as long as it should and leaving the house has become an Olympic sport.  If we have to be someplace at 5 that is 10 minutes away, we start getting coats etc about 3:45 because between the fighting, the walking to the car, the getting in the car seats, the brushing off of the snow etc, it really takes that long.  I am OVER it.

I need a vacation someplace warm…bad.  In the worst possible way.   Either a warm vacation or I need to check into a hotel and just not leave for 3 days.  As long as they have room service, I can make it work.  Just please don’t let me find a stray pube when I check in.  My sister used to clean hotel rooms when she was in High School, well actually she did NOT clean hotel rooms is more like it.  She got paid to but did not follow through.  Should I change these sheets or just give them the “once over”?  She went with the once over….or none over.

So, between this winter weather, the constant feeling like crap and the cabin fever – I am done.  I need to check into the hospital for exhaustion.  Apparently you really do have to be a celebrity to do this so I guess I have to start there.  What to do, what to do…….Do you think Arno will notice a giant tripod at the end of our bed?  Wait, that means I have to take off the 37 layers I constantly have on, all covered in dog hair…and shave.  My pubes may be down to my knee caps at this point, who knows.  It keeps me warmer and that is what counts right?  Well it looks like I am going to have to come up with a plan B.  Quick.